I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
