it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
