He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to