Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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