Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
