he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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