ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
