I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
