I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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