My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
