even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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