my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
