no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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