I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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