I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
