Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
