Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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