last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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