If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
