she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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