Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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