The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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