I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
