im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
