I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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