At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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