My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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