I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
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so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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