I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
