I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
