I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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