I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.