i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize