the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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