The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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