FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Randomize
