Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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