this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you