I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
