When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
