well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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