Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
