I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Randomize
