guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
