My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
