just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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