i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
