The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
