I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
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We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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