my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
