The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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