I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
