Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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