thus making me awesome and them whores
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
the raccoons are back...
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