if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
