Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I CAN MOONWALK!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
