I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
